It Has Never Been Easy

[Credit]

I am extremely close to Puan Mama. In fact, I'm so close to her that I couldn't care less if people label me as 'Mommy's son' or 'Duduk bawah ketiak mak.' Seriously.

This is largely due to (I think) my constant 'spirited-away' from home. I went to a boarding school, Sekolah Bintang that is, since I was thirteen. Then straight after, I had to undergo that clumsy ridiculous (whooppss) so-called National Service. Yes people, I am a National Service's alumnus. How unbelievable is that..? You tell me.

Another two years in a prep college followed suit. Then I studied abroad for another three years. So altogether, I've been away from home for approximately ten years. Ten years for you might be nothing. But ten years for a mom, that's like forever. 

So yeah, whenever I went back home for holidays, especially that once-a-year trip when I was in London, I'd make sure I spend some good quality time with her, to compensate for whatever she had missed. Or rather, what I have missed. I went to pasar with her, went shopping and had lunch together, that sort of things.

Even now, when I'm so busy with D&T (yeah right..), I make it a point to have breakfast with her every Friday. Whenever I'm available on Saturdays, I'll make sure to go out with her and Inche Papa for a nice, pleasant breakfast. I call this Politik Mak Bapak; one of many ways to cushion any potential disgruntles or unwanted attentions.

Oh, if you see this handsome guy kissing an old lady in public vicinity, that's probably me kissing Puan Mama. Wahahaha. Like honestly, I still kiss her and I kiss her a lot. And yes, even in public. Like, do I care..?  I just love her too much. She's my mother - my only mother after all.

But that's exactly where the problem lies; me being too close to Puan Mama. Because you tend to hurt those you are close to the most. 

Like last Saturday, just before I left for yet another session of Joyous Conference, I had this fight with Puan Mama. Ok probably wasn't a fight; more of a one sided attack. I attacked and Puan Mama was defenseless, vulnerable. Sigh. The incident went like this.

We went to have breakfast at this new place, along with Inche Papa and Cik Adik Perempuan. Puan Mama was telling me that this place is really good and how she so loves the nasi lemak and the roti canai is just awesome and bla bla bla.. You know, mom. So of course, I was looking forward to indulge myself at this new place.

The warung or restaurant if you like, is a small set-up beside MRR2 near the Zoo. It's your simple straight-forward Malay breakfast warung. Yet, I could immediately sense an unmistakable atmosphere of coziness, with strong pleasant smell of herbs and chilies. It's a self-service type of warung, where you pick whatever you want and pay at the counter.

This is when things turned sour. Puan Mama ordered nasi lemak with sambal sotong. Red alert. Just the night before, we already had sotong sambal petai for dinner. And seemingly unsatisfied with that, she also ordered a piece of roti canai all for herself (although she claimed she would share it with Inche Papa).

I started to protest. Oh yes, let me just clarify. Puan Mama had had high level of cholesterol when she last checked her blood. That was a few months ago. It was like 7.0 mmol/l or something. I know that was already at dangerous level, the fact that she had to take some medications to lower it down.

Since then, she had been controlling her food intake. She also took olive oil daily, because somebody had told her it's good to improve the cholesterol level. But then lately, she started to compromise her routine. She no longer takes olive oil. She doesn't exercise. And she eats a lot. Like seriously a lot.

So when she decided to feast herself with nasi lemak sambal sotong and roti canai that morning, you can imagine how sick worried I was. And you know seafood is one of the main sources for bad cholesterol. The thing with me, the way I expressed my anxiety, may be a little bit too harsh, even to Puan Mama.

I started to say things that I should not have said. Because I was really mad. Really mad at Puan Mama's ignorance and oblivion of her own health. When Cik Adik Perempuan laughed at my cold attitude towards Puan Mama, I scoffed at her.

"Ha gelak la gelak. Nanti [Puan Mama] dah mati, baru tahu. Gelak la time tu!"

I just care for her. And I know she knew I was mad because I care for her.

Puan Mama just laughed, listening patiently to my tantrums. Sometimes she interrupted, pretending as if the whole thing was a staged sitcom or something. But I know, deep in her heart, she was hurt. When later I dropped her at this hair salon, she pat my back and said,

"Jangan marah-marah.."

with that unmistakable smiles. She went to the driver's window and kissed me, knowing that I was leaving for Joyous Conference. And I managed to utter,

"[Puan Mama] jangan kecik hati.."

That was not enough, I knew it. Through out the Joyous Conference, I felt queasy. I wanted to sms Puan Mama and apologise, but somehow I don't know what had stopped me from doing so. My ego was inevitably the prime suspect. I half expected Cik Adik Perempuan to sms me or something, telling me that Puan Mama kecik hati and all, but that sms never came.

Came Sunday, after performing Maghrib with Puan Mama (we always pray together, whenever I've got the chance), I instantaneously blurted out,

"[Puan Mama] kecik ati ke pasal semalam..?"

And Puan Mama's replies really crushed my heart. She kept quiet for like 2 seconds (it felt like forever to me), smiled and said..

"Ye la. [Inche gabbana] buat macam tu kat [Puan Mama]. Depan orang ramai pulak tu."

"Tapi you know it shows how much I care!"

"Ye. Tapi mesti [Inche gabbana] has never done such thing with your religious group tu kan. Betul tak..? Pernah tak [Inche gabbana] terfikir..?" 

Imaginary tears rolling down.

"Yeah I know. Terfikir jugak..."

I hugged Puan Mama, kissed both her cheek and hand and said...

"[Puan Mama] doakanlah [Inche gabbana] jadi anak yang soleh. I'm trying and it's not easy!"

She smiled and I knew straight-away she had forgiven me. That's my Puan Mama.

Allah says in the Quran:

"And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word."

[al-Isra', 17:23]

Being the so-called dai'e, sometimes we tend to forget that our family is our mad'u as well. We give our best to people out there and when we go back home, *pooofff* all those DF skills, qudwah, akhlak Islamiyyah yada yada yada disappear into the thin air. Just like that.

We don't treat our family, our parents for that matter, the same as how we treat other people. We really can be patient and able to control our anger with our hadek-hadek, but why is it so easy to lose our temper with our parents..? We serve our mad'u, or our comrades in dakwah as if they are some sort of VVIPs, but give this cold-treatment to our parents. As if we have these two characteristics. We are Batman out there, but a Joker inside our very own home. Why the discrimination? Why the hypocrisy? Astaghfirullahal adzim..

Tears, tears and tears.

One thing that never fails to give me a smack right on my face is whenever people tell me that I'm a different person when I'm doing dakwah and when I'm at home. That should not be the case. We should be a dai'e every single second in our life. Is it not the case that we are in constant loss, unless for those who believe, do good works and spread the truth to others every single second?

Appreciate your parents when they are still around. You might regret it one day, if you choose to entertain your ego. [Credit]

Our parents or family don't deserve second class treatment. After all, we are who we are today because of them. And there must be a reason why we were born in our family, not in Pak Cik Karim Fahim Termizi's or Mak Cik Salmah Selamat's. It's time for us to appreciate this fact. And it's time for us to be a true dai'e in its true meaning - anytime, anywhere.

I have been trying to be a dai'e every single second and wherever I go. I'm still trying and it has not been easy. That I can assure you. But I will not stop trying because giving-up is just exactly what Syaitan is expecting from us. Giving-up is probably the worst enemy for a dai'e.

Life is a struggle. But what is life without struggle? Keep trying and never give up. Once you fall, get up and be proud that you have fallen before. At least you know you've been down there and capable of getting up again. Smiles.

You bet it has never been easy!

-gabbana-